An unhinged customer experience with Ozzi Mozzie

This is war.

I become murderous when bitten by a mosquito in the middle of the night.

Not because I have been bitten but because I cannot exterminate the source without implementing an elaborate 4-stage stealth kill operation:

1. Big light on for visibility

2. Apply Stingose that has been dutifully placed in my bedside drawer

3. Lie very still for a number of minutes, don’t fall asleep

4. Wait until it comes to you and showtime

Repeat if you’re a loser who can’t defeat an insect on the first go.

Now you may be thinking, how very interesting. I thought everyone loved the mosquito but here on the internet, you claim to detest him. How is it that we’ve been blessed with someone as unique and original as you? Tell us please.

Well, as summer approaches, in my circle (which includes my housemates and my boyfriend), there seems to be mass acceptance of the mosquito. I don’t hear much complaining and on the rare occasion that I do, the complainer has not responded with action. This is aside from one non-housemate friend who uses a plug-in liquid repellent vaporiser, and in doing so, has accepted cancer. I have more respect for her than the complacent set but am not willing to give into the toxic route just yet. I thought surely there were some innovations on the mosquito repellent market that I had not been made aware of.

Enter Ozzi Mozzie, a UV light device that attracts and zaps mosquitoes and claims to be a safer alternative to toxic sprays, or anti-bug coils. See, I knew it! There are other options out there but the complacents (me included) have been too lazy to look. Price looks good ($59), reviews look good. Website a bit scammy, but my now dopamine-filled self, determined that it was worth the risk.

Though, no matter the desperation of my situation, some real critical thinking should have started emerging at checkout. What I experienced in there, was what I can only describe as an ecommerce, twilight-zone hellscape.

You are first taken to a screen that encourages you to purchase 3 Ozzi Mozzies for 60% off, 4 Ozzi Mozzies for 65% off and so on. That was bearable and to be expected. Following that, there were literally 8 more pages of aggressive ecommerce conversion tactics before I was able to successfully checkout. I was exhausted and quite frankly, a little afraid. It was akin to the anxiety-inducing process of booking a Ryanair flight - you are weak and they have a product that you need and have no chance of finding elsewhere.

Only after completing my purchase, I thought it might be a good idea to broaden the product review search. 1.7 stars on Product Review, 2.9 on Trust Pilot. Good lord.

My favourite review, sums up what you, a smart, superior consumer has probably been thinking the whole time. Mick says, "If Ozzi Mozzie does what it is claiming to do, we wouldn’t still have a global mosquito epidemic.”

My device did arrive from Hong Kong in one piece. So far it has caught a few tiny flying insects and I saw one zap happen in real time, which was cathartic. Unfortunately it has only clocked one mosquito at this stage. However, my midnight mosquito battles are no longer.

While that little UV light might not be scientifically sound, I believe the device contains a level of black magic that protects me. This magic was transferred to me during a demoralising, risk-taking purchasing experience, where hope was chosen over reason. My unbridled faith in this plastic mosquito death trap has rewarded me, because I am a doer.