Quiz: What kind of housemate are you?

A definitive, correct and unbiased assessment.

Executive function is a blessing. I have learnt this over the past 5 years living in various share houses. These have all been genuinely joyful experiences and I deeply love the women I have shared them with.

This love must be unconditional because many of them left a lot to be desired when it came to managing the never ending cycle of running a functional household.

It’s about to be the most popular time of year to find housemates and a new place. So, I’ve decided to spare you from any misaligned expectations with a short and very useful quiz to help you figure out whether you and your potential housemates are a good fit.

Ok, let’s get into it.

1. After using my chopping knives I:

(a) Wash them up by hand and put them away because I have good quality knives

(b) Wash them by hand and leave them on a rack to dry

(c) Put them in the dishwasher

2. After eating some chips on the couch I:

(a) Quickly dyson up the crumbs afterwards but I would only eat chips on the couch after an especially heinous day

(b) Dust off the crumbs with my hands

(c) I get up and proceed to do my next activity

3. Have you encountered a dishwasher filter?

(a) Yes, about every 2 months, luckily I have small hands

(b) Once I tried fixing it when the dishes were coming out dirty

(c) No, why would I need to encounter that?

4. Where does the spatula go?

(a) The second drawer, obviously

(b) Wherever the other utensils are

(c) Whatever space emerges to me when I am absentmindedly unpacking the dishwasher

5. Thoughts on deep cleaning an oven?

(a) I risk my life and fertility doing it once a year but I dream of paying a professional to do it

(b) Only when it’s required at the end of a lease

(c) I don’t think it’s necessary and I wouldn’t contribute money to getting it done professionally

6. When something is broken/not working

(a) I try to fix it but if I can’t within reason, I contact my agent or landlord

(b) I message the housemate group chat and we collectively decide what to do next

(c) I don’t worry too much, someone else usually takes care of it

7. How often do you clean the hair out of the bathroom drains?

(a) I mask and glove up and do a deep bathroom clean at least once a quarter

(b) I’ll do it If the drains are clogged

(c) Eww so gross

Results

Mostly A's: The unsung hero

Congratulations, you are an angel who is not nearly thanked or appreciated enough. If you’re not gay you are probably very, very straight. People might tell you you’re insane, but to me, you are perfect. You aren’t just diligent, or thorough - you have an undervalued, technical skill set. If the global economic system was set up by women, you would be paid handsomely for the work that you do.

Mostly B’s: The strategic neutral

You are acceptable but should strive to be more like an A. Operating as a B is strategic because the A is likely not to blame you for the domestic chaos that they stumble upon. You stay in your lane and tend to act as Switzerland in household disputes. There is probably a superiority complex at play here as you have achieved acceptable housemate status while also having time to invest your blood, sweat and tears into external pursuits, unlike A, who loses sleep over the courtyard foliage blocking the drains.

Mostly Cs: the blissful tornado

You are an only child, or only child adjacent. Perhaps you are someone with high stress levels so you cannot hold space for household chores. You require a deadline or consequence to incentivise action. In this case, a psychologist is recommended. My thesis is that you are not a bad person but that you may not take notice of these things as they are not a priority for you. Therefore, household task completion happens in a rushed way. This would be acceptable if you lived alone, but you can’t afford to. It’s time for you to rise to the occasion. In the words of Martha Stewart, “when you’re through changing, you’re through.”